Rejected, Dejected and Confused

I spoke about many of my struggles in the "Struggles of a young adult" article. With those struggles often times lead me to anxiety and states of depression. I always felt like I had to be perfect. When someone is coming at you criticizing everything you do, everything you enjoy it is rather challenging. Let's just say I understand what celebrities go through because I know what it is like to be under a microscope to be judged and condemned for simply living. Having things like my Youtube presence to me even writing this blog being judged it was very hard to cope. I often felt rejected and not worth of love. This time two years ago I would have never taken this opportunity because I would have been so scared because of the nasty comments.

Even beyond that I am not a dependent person at all. So it is very difficult for me to be jobless and having no money. Every time I would send in resume after resume, cover letter after cover letter and not get a response it would be quite hard for me to handle especially this past year. I felt like I had gotten nowhere. I evaluated my situation. I saw that I was twenty six years old and I was in the same position I was in at twenty four; jobless but needing money to save up to do the things that I needed to do. The goals, I have for myself for me aren't extraordinary but for others it may seem so. I would like to open my own psychology centre in Germany, Italy, Spain, California, Trinidad and Tobago and London. When I was younger my inspiration wasn't the lawyers and doctors. It was always Oprah and Tyra Banks. Now I look at the Kardashians-Jenners for inspiration. I know that may controversial but the fact that some of them like Kylie Jenner has made a beauty empire off of her insecurity is truly motivational to me. Having these kinds of dreams, it is often difficult being part of a society that while has some of the friendliest people, it is almost impossible to survive if you don't have connections. You can apply to businesses all you want but if you don't have a friend to get you at least an interview, you are pretty much wasting your time. It is even worse now that we are in a recession. It is pretty much every man for himself or in my case woman for herself. Dealing with all these issues, I must admit had me in a state of depression.

Additionally, my interpersonal relationships were not doing so well either. I would have put the blame on others but honestly it was a two way street. One friend in particular I was very attracted to. Thousands of miles away but if he messaged me today, my heart would skip a beat. I can't even say his name without getting butterflies in my stomach. Talking about him now and of course I am giddy lol. It was to the point where I could never look at him, not even when we were alone. I would feel a mixture of emotions. I would be really nice to him one minute but the next the slightest thing would annoy me and I would be very angry at him and I would lash out. I found out last year January, two weeks before I was about to leave the United Kingdom that he told my best friend that he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me too. My best friend was like  why don't you ask him to go out on a date. I remember feeling a rush of emotions; both of joy and fear. I did not want to accept the fact that my dream was coming true. I guess I was afraid of being happy. I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. All I thought was here is this guy, he is attractive, smart, funny, extroverted, wealthy and business owner and I am just well average. What would I have to offer. I was pretty insecure being around him. I was never intimidated by anyone before that and I have been around very influential people. So I decided to act like I didn't want to hear the news. I saw him a week later and I flat out said that we weren't friends nor will we ever be. It was five of us hanging out and it was the last day we would ever see each other because the Monday after I would be leaving. I hugged everyone and said goodbye, but with him I waved and was like whatever. While hanging out I spent most of the time occupied with his friend, laughing and giggling and pretty much ignoring anything he had to say to me. I remember him sitting next to my best friend and him making the comment that Jeanne Marie is acting bipolar but doesn't matter we will end up together anyway. I just rolled my eyes and pretended like he didn't exist the entire time. Even when he and my best friend began speaking I assumed it was because she was running for Vice president of our faculty and since he had political experience he was helping her. Lo and behold she told me when we left that he was angry that I was speaking to his friend the entire time and she asked him if he was jealous and of course he denied it (Didn't I say maturity wasn't exactly our best friend at the time) LOL. I spent most of the time confused about my feelings. If he made a sexual comment sometimes I would embrace it, other times I would be embarrassed that I engaged in such conversations. I was just all over the place emotionally. July of last year he did confess to me that he didn't understand how I couldn't see that he liked me as well. I wouldn't let myself believe the words. After a few days I got upset removed him from off my social media and now we barely ever speak unless I message him on his birthday or when we got our degrees but other than that we no longer speak. For months I was sad about it. But now I have gotten my closure. I learned from my mistakes.

Learning from your mistakes is really all you can do. Don't blame yourself for things that were out of your control. I shouldered a lot of blame for things like the job vacancies, how people treated me and honestly I have realized you can't put all that on yourself. I always believed in God but I always wanted God to work for me, instead of me working with God. 2017 is my year. I am walking with God and so should you.