The Jealous friend

One of my favorite shows right now is called Being Mary Jane. From its inception it has sparked many questions, debates about not only race, ethnic issues, but women's topics as well. Can a woman have it all? With each episode, something jumps out at me. Whether it be the importance of black power couples, is there a need for black power couples. Something about this show, just elicits great dialogue.  This week's episode of course, most bloggers and viewers would be intrigued by the link between societal pressures and  black men. They stated that successful African American men are more likely to commit suicide than any other demographic. While that was certainly intriguing, that is a topic for another time. What struck me in Tuesday's episode was the character of Lisa. Now Lisa has always been a character that I couldn't mesh with. From season one she wasn't exactly my favorite character on the show. Tuesday's episode came to the boiling point. Everything I felt about the character came to the forefront and real feelings have finally been expressed and brought to light.

Lisa is the jealous friend.

Many of us may have had a jealous friend in our lives. Now, when I say jealous, I am not degrading anyone for expressing some form of jealousy. It happens to the best of us because of course we are in fact human. Your best friend gets an A in an examination after failing to read the core readings the entire semester while you have been burning the midnight oil and haven't passed. It would be quite rational for you to experience some pangs of jealousy but I would like to believe that while experiencing such we would also be happy for him/her. When I speak about jealousy,  I mean the type of jealousy that once it continues to fester, it can lead to bitterness and resentment. For the sake of giving this jealous friend a name, for the remainder of this blog, I would be referring to the jealous friend as Lisa. 

So I had a Lisa in my life before. My Lisa would make tiny comments about others that initially I would simply shrug off until these comments were directed towards me. As they say, things don't affect you until it falls in your garden. Well that was exact the case. Lisa would make remarks such as "That girl with the high heeled shoes, she thinks she is all that." This remark would be directed to a random stranger who passed us on while we were sitting down having a meal. This stranger was usually a person who happened to be walking to class and happened to pass in our view. The look of disgust and jealousy would be written all over Lisa's face.

People like Lisa can come in all shape and forms. While I refer to such a friend by the name of Lisa, this type of behaviour does not discriminate between genders. Lisa can take the form of Lisa or Greg or whoever. Some may argue that the relationship between Lisa and you can become toxic. In the genesis of such friendship, Lisa in my case was first jealous of my grades in school. I unfortunately introduced Lisa to a good friend of mine. This good friend of mine had a tumultuous friendship with Lisa. Lisa began expressing jealousy towards by good friend. Lets call my good friend Michaela. Lisa began spreading petty gossip about Michaela. Michaela is someone quiet and very focused but make no mistake she is no pushover. However, Michaela is older than me and older than many members of my social group. So with that age came a level of maturity, so Michaela often when Lisa would gossip about others, she simply didn't partake in the activity and she would remain focus on her classes. So Lisa took it upon herself to spread to everyone that Michaela felt that she was superior to others, she used that as her explanation as to why Michaela was so silent. Lisa was jealous of Michaela's boyfriend even though Lisa had a boyfriend herself. However Lisa's boyfriend based on Lisa's opinion wasn't up to standard as Michaela's boyfriend. Oh by the way, Lisa only saw Michaela's boyfriend once and from a far.. As such having this great boyfriend, only fueled Lisa's jealousy and resentment towards Michaela. So any friends Michaela had Lisa's basically turned against Michaela and unfortunately it worked (in my opinion she did Michaela a favour because if all I have to do is tarnish your name and your friends don't question it, how good of a friend were they).

In the episode of Being Mary Jane, the character of Lisa, suggested that Mary Jane has it quote on quote easy. This is at the root cause of this jealousy that people like Lisa have. As far as they are concerned your life is a breeze. They don't see your struggles, your pains etc. They don't understand how hard you work. The only thing they understand is the outcome. You work hard at making your relationship work. All they see is that you are married. In their mind they have worked and they haven't seen the fruits of their hard labour. It is all about the RESULTS.  As such because they aren't getting the results they desire, they begin to wallow in their own misery and despair. It begins to illustrate itself in their interactions with others and eventually THE BLOWOUT occurs.

Unfortunately, friends like this seldom enjoy seeing anything good happening to you. Therefore, Lisa would resent Michaela becoming pregnant and Michaela's promotion. Lisa would of course respond like "Oh wow, hopefully you keep this one, you know what happened the two (2) other times you conceived," In the case of Being Mary Jane, Lisa had to remind Mary Jane of all the past actions she did and that maybe she doesn't deserve a baby. It is one thing to put things in perspective but when every good thing that happens to you, they have to find a way to dampen it,  and as such it can become a problem.

That brings me to my next point. Lisa will become self appointed judge and jury. Good things doesn't deserve to happen to you because you don't work as hard as Lisa. Lisa lives in perpetual victim-hood.  Everything Lisa does will be put against your actions but she will switch the script and say "Why is it always about you?" yet aren't they the one who brought you into this mess in the first place.

What are the tell tale signs that you have a Lisa in your life?

1. If you ever have great and exciting news and you find yourself censoring yourself or always thinking about the person's reaction when the news really only affects you. Maybe you have a jealous friend.

2. You go out to clubs or you introduce them to other friends in your life and they make a great effort to disrupt the friendship. They secretly message your boyfriend//girlfriend and constantly try to take attention away from your relationship with that person to themselves and your boyfriend/girlfriend. You may have a jealous friend.

So what do you do?

Do you help that person? Do you start some sort of HELP system. Help Elevate Lisa Program. From my personal perspective, a friend should help another friend with any issues that they may have and try to increase their self esteem or worth. But that friend needs to be open. It also begs the question. You are a friend to them but are they a friend to you?